A bigly vacation

I'm on vacation. It is a tremendous vacation. We have the best people here, really top-notch people. We're winning at golf, we're winning at wine, we're winning at steaks, just so much winning going on here. The people here -- and can I say, the people here, they're really beautiful people -- they are saying to me, can we just stop winning at vacation, and I say no, we're just going to keep winning this vacation, it's really so tremendous. 

"When will my email be answered" scoring rules

Add or subtract the appropriate number of time units

Subject line is “quick question” but the body is four paragraphs: -5

Subject line is “knock knock” followed by the remainder of an amusing joke: +3

Forwarding a message you already sent and including the word “re-pinging”: -3

Forwarding a message I sent you but now including “in your face, Doench!”: +6

Suggestions of drinking Kool-aid, picking low hanging fruit, moving needles or circling back: -4

Suggestions of drinking beer, eating tropical tropical fruits, moving to somewhere warm or never coming back: +7

I'm on vacation and will return on August 22nd.**  I will read your email before that, but will reply only if it seems really really interesting and/or important.

** unless you are trying to rob my home, in which case I am not on vacation but rather polishing my loaded shotgun in a rocking chair in my living room

Dear <your name>,

I am away from the Broad and will return on Monday, August 24.

In the meantime, though, let me assure that I remain as <emotion>as ever regarding your <area of biology>project. As for your “quick question” that managed to include several independent clauses separated by <overused punctuation>, have you tried typing it into <search engine of choice> ? I find that to be a very useful way of getting questions answered quickly. For example, I once used <old-fashioned search engine from Internet 1.0> to find local restaurants that delivered <tempting dessert treat>.Ah, to be back in grad school! In closing, I wish you <Puritan name from days of yore that recalled a particular virtue>in your endeavors, and look forward to speaking <loathsome corporate acronym>sometime before <rare astronomical event>

best,

john

Suggested answers: Donald Trump; zesty; marsupial stem cell gene editing; elipses; Bing!; Altavista; fried dough; Prudence; F2F; the next transit of Saturn from Neptune

I am away from the Broad and will return on Monday, July 13. 

If you have an urgent problem, then it is possible that you are unfamiliar with the actual meaning of the word 'urgent' and/or have wildly overestimated my problem-solving abilities. To commiserate over a beer due to this situation, please contact my office-mate, Glenn Cowley. Per ascoltare la stessa cosa in italiano, su vittoria, contatto Federica Piccioni. To actually get your problem solved, contact Meagan Sullender.

I am away from the Broad. Because I do not want my wife to throw my laptop into the Atlantic, and because a) computers do not float, b) computers are not waterproof, and c) I am not a strong swimmer, I will not be checking my email until July 3.

Just like General William Howe, I am departing Boston on March 17 for England. Unlike General William Howe, I have no plans to return from England in order to temporarily conquer New York City -- the Red Sox and Patriots have already taken care of that. 

I am going north of the Wall to put an end to this eternal winter. I'd imagine internet access is fairly spotty up there, so I will reply to your email when I return on Feb. 23rd.

I am away from the Broad and will return on January 5, 2015 (unless my email monster eats me).

I will return to the Broad on Monday, August 4. I will be up in Maine, so if your subject heading is "Lobster Uprising" I am more likely to promptly read your email.

I am, both mentally and physically, on vacation. I will physically return to the Broad on Monday, July 14. My mental return cannot be predicted with any certainty. 

I am away from the Broad and will return on Monday, July 24. If the topic of your email is urgent, please re-send with the subject line of "Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Clinton dirt, from Kremlin" and I will be sure to give it some High Quality attention.*

*I fully expect this topical quasi-joke to be old news about 4 hours into my vacation, so here are some other subject line options:

"Order Confirmation: Your shipment of Dr. Gonzo's Tremendous Leadership Beans is on the way!"

"Can the president pardon himself? Asking for a friend"

"Re: Invasion of Canada, polling results" 

I’m away from my office, I’m away from my desk.
Where did I go? Somewhere picturesque.

I’m not checking my email! (he says with a wink;
to give me a break, that’s what I want you to think)

Your experiments, I’m sure, are proceeding just fine.
I mean, what could go wrong, when using CRISPR-Cas9?

If the problem is urgent, then an email you should shoot
to someone like Olivia Bare, or perhaps David E. Root.

For now you’ll be unanswered, but lest you feel cheated,
I vow to someday reply! (if it hasn’t been deleted)